ART WORK BY MEEver had the feeling of standing still... Like running on quicksand, no matter how hard you run you couldn't get out.. Ever had the feeling of always wearing a mask... playing a charade as to make people believe that you're doing alright; that everything is good.. Sometimes the saying is right; its much easier to wear a smile than explaining to people.. its way better than making them understand...
This sucks.. its like being torn into three different persons, each with a need to make a decision.. i hate this.. i hate feeling vulnerable,feeling clueless and confused... i don't wanna say i'm afraid.. i don't want to pretend that im satisfied.. Sh*t! i sound like a loser.. always whining..always complaining... Afraid? afraid of what? afraid of who? I'm suppose to be afraid of growing up or afraid of the future..
damn it.. yeah im scared.. so what..who wouldn't be.. but im scared for a different reason.."I'm scared of what i won't become" Yeah, nice job kit! there you go again.. Sure, blame it again on the f'ing profession.. it was and still is always your scapegoat.. telling everybody that it wasn't your fault, that it wasn't you who dug yourself into this hole you're cowering in...
Practicality.. huh? what a word.. What a stupid and imprudent word. Does everything really revolve around money.. I mean why do we have to be chained in a reality where everyone of us embarks into a journey in search of more loot.. Can we just be happy and contented with simple things? hay i wish i can learn that too... "Think of this way, almost a million people wants to be in your place?"... the hell! I'd gladly give it up if their simple joy is just to earn the green dough... Whatever happened to being who you are and making your own destiny? Whatever happened to picking your own destiny; spinning the wheel of fate and paving your own road? Guess it was all BULL.. no matter how much effort you put into, at the end of the day, society will always judge you on how fat your pockets are.. yep, its only the financially fortunate ones who gets a say in the real world.. I maybe wrong, but unless someone proves me otherwise.. my claim still stands..
Funny, i remember telling my dad, that I'd do any work when im up here.. I guess I didn't elaborate enough that the work I mentioned should be non-nursing related... My first months here I'd accept care-giving jobs in no less than a heartbeat. It was cool, earning a hundred bucks a day even if it wasn't regular. Yeah like I'd do weekends or two and it was alright. But something in me i knew wasn't happy.. Later i realized that me being here was all a big misunderstanding, that and the hysterical speculations of my relatives. It was an inadvertent accident where I chose a ticket away from facing a false certainty. Don't get me wrong.. im grateful for being here. I'm thankful to all my relatives who made this possible.. I'm really thankful that i had the chance to experience a different surrounding and experience life in the U.S. of A.. NCLEX.. what a big joke.. the only reason why i did apply for it was i dont wanna disappoint my mom.. All of them are saying Nursing is the way.. that its the only ticket to the American Dream or at least something like that.. Now I wouldn't really disagree on that since many did reach it. However it's not just me. I never was a great follower, i was better in being a trend setter.
But DAMN it! I'm my own worst enemy. I know what I want but I'm too indecisive to get it.. its like even if i decide on something, i still end up being confused. Like now, i've decided to avoid anything related to nursing. so i'm even refusing caregiving jobs that pays decent... i dunno really why im avoiding it eventhough i have nothng else better to do.. Hay, the nclex part is also another issue.. I mean it's not really the case if i can handle it or not. Coz believe me, i know i can handle it well..the only thing is it's like going on stage and ready to sing a piece then only to find out that you were supposed to play the piano.. Do you get what I mean? Then there's the case of me leaning towards Med School.. Also there's the thing about venturing out and branching into another field.. I don't want to go there anymore coz clearly im confused as it is and it'll be too long and too tiring to discuss.. Heart.... Money.... Goal... Future..
Damn.. Sometimes it suck to be me... There's too much going on in my head that at the end of the day, it seems nothing had happened and the day is laid to waste. I'm always stuck in my head and i fell like i'll never leave that place... I thought i was focused but im not yet prepared... Ughh What the hell is wrong with me? Can somebody help.. For the past weeks, it has always been like this.. I hope I'll find the answer soon. The only thing i have decided was that i need to decide what and where i need to place myself.. still soul searching... still confused still.... still..... (clock ticking) Is there something you can say?
No comments:
Post a Comment