"We can rebuild him... better..stronger...faster..."

Now I may not be the Six million dollar man but in a sense "we have the technology"...

I am Nathan Santiago (of course, not my real name) 6ft something, 200 something and a whole lot of everything.
For those of you who know me, I was always a chubby fella.. but the only down side is that I'm fragile as a glass. Its been almost 3 years now, since I started to lose and gain weight. I have tried every diet you could thing of; low carb, low fat and etc. I have also become a gym rat where I would always pick gym back then over some booze or party.
But trying to be fit is not an easy job especially when you have an imaginary tag saying injury prone. It's a commitment and a lifestyle that one must follow for the rest of his mediocre life.
At the start, the reason why i wanted to lose weight was because I wanted to look different. I had a self-confidence of a peacock. And it was so low that I even avoided talking to my crush (silly me.hahaha)
so back then I decided to change to show people a different side of me.. ENNNGk, wrong move, my planned failed.
Later on, I finally realized something; that if you want to change, do it for yourself not for others.
then after that, everything fell into place and I was doing better.
I have reached my goals a dozen time already. In one way or the other, I have achieved only a few "belly off warriors" have attained. But due to some twisted strike of fate, those success would always be accompanied by sheer bad luck.
I think I've spent more time in rehab (uhh, no not the one that drug abusers go to) than a normal old person would ever.
It has been really annoying, every time I reach my full potential whether its physically or athletically, i would always seem to end up in a clinic. Partly it's my fault, being wreckless and all.. Being blinded by a foolish fact that we are only young once..
I used to say, " Before, I can rock the rim, now the only thing I can rock is my bed..."

Man, this yo-yo effect is getting pretty old. I'm in rehab again and finally I'm getting better..
Yesterday, I started working out again.. but not my usual weight or rep range.
It feels good. I have my ecstasy again..
But now I'm gonna take it easy unlike the old days.. I'll try to be more careful and stop being hard headed.. I do want to see my own grand kids some day.. so this is the perfect opportunity to change..

PROJECT: NATHAN has commenced.. If you want to be part of it then enlist up..haha
By December, hopefully, no not hopefully but surely...
I'd feel like a million bucks...
so stay tuned..

the bubble princess

A light year away, she used to be as precious as a flower. It was all an affable dream. Nobody knew everything would end up this way..
for some time now, a fragile person resided in the shadow of things..
I have yet to encounter another person which such frailty yet embossed with a craggy exterior..

One night, while i was searching in the mystic forest, i slipped and got knocked down off my feet. Still dizzy and disoriented, i manage to see a figure ahead.. She was smiling..

"Have you seen my kitten? Mister Clumsy Man," a small voice resounded

"I am no clumsy man, and what is a little girl doing in a big scary forest?" i uttered in reply

"I am no little girl either" she answered back, "I am a princess"

I was curios. I couldn't see her face so I went forward to get a glimpse. But as I was almost near, a soft jelly like barrier obstructed me..

"You see kind sir, I am the bubble princess, no one can come near me if they please to.. but i cant also get close to anybody.."

"But you said you have a kitten" I hesitatingly queried

"Yes I do," with a grin on her face, " I allow her to get near me. But she got lost while running after a squirrel"


"Why can't you find her then?"


"It's dark and I'm afraid to go outside of my bubble.. would you help me look for her?' she requested.


"hmm.. I'm kinda looking for something too.. "


" Ohh please please kind sir, she's my only friend. I promise I'd give you something in return" she wittingly muttered.




" then you need to hold my hand"


there was a popping sound. Then everything went black..

my alarm clock was ringing. i woke up and beside my bed was a bubble half settled on the floor..

helter-skelter

ART WORK BY ME

Ever had the feeling of standing still... Like running on quicksand, no matter how hard you run you couldn't get out.. Ever had the feeling of always wearing a mask... playing a charade as to make people believe that you're doing alright; that everything is good.. Sometimes the saying is right; its much easier to wear a smile than explaining to people.. its way better than making them understand...
This sucks.. its like being torn into three different persons, each with a need to make a decision.. i hate this.. i hate feeling vulnerable,feeling clueless and confused... i don't wanna say i'm afraid.. i don't want to pretend that im satisfied.. Sh*t! i sound like a loser.. always whining..always complaining... Afraid? afraid of what? afraid of who? I'm suppose to be afraid of growing up or afraid of the future..
damn it.. yeah im scared.. so what..who wouldn't be.. but im scared for a different reason.."I'm scared of what i won't become" Yeah, nice job kit! there you go again.. Sure, blame it again on the f'ing profession.. it was and still is always your scapegoat.. telling everybody that it wasn't your fault, that it wasn't you who dug yourself into this hole you're cowering in...

Practicality.. huh? what a word.. What a stupid and imprudent word. Does everything really revolve around money.. I mean why do we have to be chained in a reality where everyone of us embarks into a journey in search of more loot.. Can we just be happy and contented with simple things? hay i wish i can learn that too... "Think of this way, almost a million people wants to be in your place?"... the hell! I'd gladly give it up if their simple joy is just to earn the green dough... Whatever happened to being who you are and making your own destiny? Whatever happened to picking your own destiny; spinning the wheel of fate and paving your own road? Guess it was all BULL.. no matter how much effort you put into, at the end of the day, society will always judge you on how fat your pockets are.. yep, its only the financially fortunate ones who gets a say in the real world.. I maybe wrong, but unless someone proves me otherwise.. my claim still stands..

Funny, i remember telling my dad, that I'd do any work when im up here.. I guess I didn't elaborate enough that the work I mentioned should be non-nursing related... My first months here I'd accept care-giving jobs in no less than a heartbeat. It was cool, earning a hundred bucks a day even if it wasn't regular. Yeah like I'd do weekends or two and it was alright. But something in me i knew wasn't happy.. Later i realized that me being here was all a big misunderstanding, that and the hysterical speculations of my relatives. It was an inadvertent accident where I chose a ticket away from facing a false certainty. Don't get me wrong.. im grateful for being here. I'm thankful to all my relatives who made this possible.. I'm really thankful that i had the chance to experience a different surrounding and experience life in the U.S. of A.. NCLEX.. what a big joke.. the only reason why i did apply for it was i dont wanna disappoint my mom.. All of them are saying Nursing is the way.. that its the only ticket to the American Dream or at least something like that.. Now I wouldn't really disagree on that since many did reach it. However it's not just me. I never was a great follower, i was better in being a trend setter.


But DAMN it! I'm my own worst enemy. I know what I want but I'm too indecisive to get it.. its like even if i decide on something, i still end up being confused. Like now, i've decided to avoid anything related to nursing. so i'm even refusing caregiving jobs that pays decent... i dunno really why im avoiding it eventhough i have nothng else better to do.. Hay, the nclex part is also another issue.. I mean it's not really the case if i can handle it or not. Coz believe me, i know i can handle it well..the only thing is it's like going on stage and ready to sing a piece then only to find out that you were supposed to play the piano.. Do you get what I mean? Then there's the case of me leaning towards Med School.. Also there's the thing about venturing out and branching into another field.. I don't want to go there anymore coz clearly im confused as it is and it'll be too long and too tiring to discuss.. Heart.... Money.... Goal... Future..



Damn.. Sometimes it suck to be me... There's too much going on in my head that at the end of the day, it seems nothing had happened and the day is laid to waste. I'm always stuck in my head and i fell like i'll never leave that place... I thought i was focused but im not yet prepared... Ughh What the hell is wrong with me? Can somebody help.. For the past weeks, it has always been like this.. I hope I'll find the answer soon. The only thing i have decided was that i need to decide what and where i need to place myself.. still soul searching... still confused still.... still..... (clock ticking) Is there something you can say?

broom..broom

Sometimes we're so engrossed in our own eccentric lives that we forget the meaning of simplest things..

I have been traveling a lot lately and by a lot, I really mean exhausting, back and forth journey under the heat of the summer sun..
I'm not complaining of anything and believe me it has been fun...
Just then I realized that a "bus ride" is exactly like my life..
To start of things, you know when I always say i don't want to be just standing still and being stagnant and all that...It was rather an understatement...
I learned so many things about myself recently.
Like for instance, that I have an insurmountable patience when it comes to things I fairly understand but i have little restraint for informations repeated to me over and over...
Also I have an unwittingly ridiculous audacity but I mellow down whenever a particular situation faces me..
And for a big fluffy guy like me, its amazing how i can be invisible to others...

So going back..lately I realized that the whole bus ride can be really comparable to my somewhat prosaic existence..
From the searching for the right bus route to the destination itself, every step is like a representation of my own actuality..

Let's begin with the searching for the bus route. In all essence, it's just like college.. I knew where I had to go but I didn't know how to get there.. Options are laid out to you but you can't seem figure out the right one. So I ended up in the shortest and maybe easiest route..
Now you might ask, what's wrong with that one.. Think of it this way, if that bus route would be the shortest then it could only mean that people know of it and you just end up all crammed in a little old overused bus.

Then there's the bus stop, where you wait and wait and wait and sometimes wonder if the bus will ever come.. Funny thing about bus stops are they're like set backs..minor discrepancies that we face.. Whether its a loss of something or an inevitable circumstances, they always make us stand still and wait for the best. The only good side to them is they make you think. Even for a moment, they help you gather up your thoughts and finally decide in a number of possibilities such as am I on the right bus stop, should i take another bus stop, should i get on the first bus or wait for the other, and is this really the right bus? do you get what i mean..

So by the time the bus arrives you're ready or at least you think you are...
Once you get on the bus, it's a whole new level... It's somewhat strange.. you know when you get on the bus, you kinda hesitate and think., now where would I go, to the back of the bus or just stay in front, should i sit or just stand in the middle..
It makes you think..it's somewhat like being in the outside world.. should one really shine and show his/her potentials and abilities, should one be on center stage or be behind the scenes and blend in the crowd..
Then there's the different people you meet.. some are good, some are less desirable and some are just plain crazy.. some would offer small talk.. others would just prefer to be left alone.. During the ride , you see different characters much like in real life, each one of them from the bus driver to the last person at the back, they all seem to resemble a specific person in your life..


Then the ride itself.. Depending on how far and how heavy the traffic is, you absolutely have no idea what time you'll arrive at any given place.. The good thing is the road often traveled is not that bumpy.. so no matter how long the ride is, you have time to relax and rethink as to where you're destination truly is. (kinda like me being here..)
Keep note; though in paper you know where you're going but the truth is you have never been there before. So you eagerly and anxiously inspect each sign in order not to get lost..
Each bus and bus ride is different and unique in the sense that no two bus are exactly alike. Like a bus can be ancient old and another can be as classy and techy as it can get..
Thus, every time you ride a bus, it's an epic adventure waiting to happen..

Yeah, it 's really pretty nice when you get the hang of things..
Remember above when i said i don't like standing still..
Well.. I don't know if it is a problem.. But i noticed if I'm in motion again, I just can't stop moving...
Being grounded is not in my dictionary.. so i tend to go places.. Call it indecisive or call it adventurous.. call it whatever you want.. I just like to go around and test new ways to go about..
Sometimes I ride this bus, i take this bus route and so on and so forth but when i get a little bit crazy, i get side tracked and explore another area or route..
Maybe it's just me.. From Point A to Point B, there's no straight line for me.. I mean where's the fun in that.. it's always good to be side tracked a bit and experience new things .. But the destination should always be in your mind..

Like i said it was and still has been fun for me.. I relish every moment I have been here.. Though my destination is a lil shady..I am enjoying the ride as it is..
And everyday is a learning experience, every bus is an unwritten story..
I wish i could still ride them for a long time...
I'm not ready yet though...
I'm not ready to pull the string that says "STOP"

no goodbyes

In a span of one’s life, a person would meet a unique entity; an individual who could only exist in an egotistical reverie…
There is always a fine line between immaturity and plain insensitivity..
there is a big difference between destiny and coincidence.. Whereas the latter hails from a more perplexed reality..
Naivitie, before, has been a scapegoat to the angst of disappointment but then again it served as a stepping stone in order to witness a different change..
I am proud to share that i have, in one way or another, experienced such oppurtunity - to get to know a person who exudes a certain irony,an undecerned mystery, an affable insurgence..
Her name, behind a gleeful exterior, is known by many as someone dependable..(though she says the opposite)
An admiration of respect is best shown by the way she acts, talks and brings herself…
Funny, how sometimes she would eagerly argue things that should or would stand out….
Her aura seems to be intoxicatingly eloquent.. she is as decietful as a butterfly yet her charm gets the best of her…
Reminiscing back at the old days, i could still vividly remember how dumbfounded i was.. yes, we were young and i was childish.. I regret that i never saw the oppurtinity that would eventually lead to a more meaningful friendship.. But it wasnt all that bad, for one thing, i saw something in her, a hint or a clue, you might say, that would tell you that she’d be a unique blend; more than a total package…
Her story is like no other…
She was always head strong; a damsel who did not need the grace of promiscuity or even the shared hype of popularity just so she could seek happiness…
I’d always admire her from afar… I dont know what but she has always this "thing" that when she smiles, moves or acts, she exudes an unrivaled confidence beyond her age… and that confidence seems to calm me… it makes me assured that this girl would go far; that she would be standing out in the real world…
She is a princess to me.. a royalty shrouded with humility…
Although I may not necessarily be her prince charming but i will definitely always be her gummy, her knight in not-so-shining armor.. (wink2x)
Her love and her passion is incomparable… When she gives it, she gives it selflessly.. I envy her for such devotion… her careful heart seems to be the holy grail that guys might seek in a lifetime… Yet i am still troubled as to why someone could hurt such precious jewel…
I have witnessed her pain, heartaches and denials..
Yet her matured heart always picks her up and helps her stand with her head high and eyes open…
I smile at the thought that she had finally (well almost) learned
True indeed, one would learn, after awhile, the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul..
She, in more ways than one, has been there for me..
Her presence would bring a special kind of relief; a soothing effect to my everyday burden
She epitomizes what a true friend truly is - When she says she going to be by your side, she is going to be there…
I love her company not only because she’s an angel to be with but there would always be a quirky way in which things would end up… From the never-ending trivias to the promises and deals; each of them is a treasure worth keeping for a lifetime…
She has this uncanny aptitude when she talks, you would seem to go into a deep trance and end up listening to her so intently…

I cherish that i have come to know such person, a bestfriend (if there’s a category beyond that she’d fit perfectly) and my princess..
I wish to cite a million things here…But then again i know i’d be just missing her a million more..

I hate this… i hate the fact that we are growing up so fast…
That pretty soon, one of us would eventually leave.. (sigh =C)
That i would not anymore see her walk the stage and become a lady in completion

I am thankful though..
Thankful in the sense that even for a short period of time, we were able to spend time together
we got to laugh, cry and pour our hearts out.. That we were able to enjoy things and be contented with simple stuffs..

Im proud of her really.. I know for sure that she’d do well; that she’s going to make her plans a reality…
I keep telling myself, she’s going to be great..With her beauty, wits and charm, nobody can stop her…

And after everything has been said and done, i wish i would meet her again.. i would see her living her dream… That’s the time i’ll know, that i was right..
When that day comes, i hope she would still be the girl who inspired me… the lady who was there for me.. the reason for my smile…

Smile princess.. Keep smiling, for me..

Created: March 3rd, 2008